So, I'm kind of back tracking abit in my postings. I wrote about Saturaday and Sunday yesterday and today will be about Friday. Once again I'm in the library and everyone is click click clicking away. So distracting, but what can I do? But anyways, Friday was intense....
We have been reading Wild at Heart and Captivating in our action group, which we have so far really enjoyed. This weeks chapter however has been really rough. When reading it, no one really anticipated it to be a bad chapter, I mean it was sad, but it wasn't going to be too terrible to talk about. But THEN, we got into the discussion, and it allll just went way down hill. The discussions we had were....hard. It was only Andy, Liz, Kristen Stephen and I, so they were all really personal. The actual content of the chapter was OK for discussing, but when brought into our actual lives, we all got really cranky. All in all, it was one of those conversations that no body WANTS to have, but you really NEED to have. It was pretty long too, with us all bearing our feelings and getting snippy with each other. It stunk. It was such a conflict to how HG had been. That had been good. Now we were all marginally depressed and full of anger for society. No fun.
So once it was over, I decided that I wanted to go. Everyone felt like their heads were going to explode, and none of us were happy. I really feel like we made some "good" progress, but it was SOOO hard! It just solidified the fact that we as girls will never understand boys, and they will never ever ever ever ever understand or even think that they understand us. So, I began getting ready to go when dear sweet Liz asked me for a ride. Now, I know that Liz was upset because she ALWAYS stays for a long time after our action group is over, so it was pretty plain that she wanted to go. So, Liz asked me to take her home so I did, and in the car we really said some things that we felt we couldn't say in our action group. It was nice but kind of sad at the same time, because as an AG we are supposed to be able to communicate, but there were some things we just couldn't say. Most of them dwelled on our own personal experiences and things of the like, but it was really nice to have some company on the read home since I was NOT looking forward to making the drive alone. Our conversation itself had singled us out enough. I really enjoyed it.
This is where I get to the point
Once I got home, I just didn't want to do anything. I felt like c-r-a-p. Ca-rap. It just sucked. So I found the devotional that I have been putting off ready after one chapter, and decided to look into it. The devotional itself is called Praying the Names of God, and it has a historical explanation of the different ways god is referred to in the hebrew bible, and teaches us how to pray to him. So, I settled on "El Roi" (pronounced El Raw-ee, not el roy like I thought lol) El Roi is only mentioned in the bible ummmm once. That's it. So, we all know about Abraham and Sarah wanting to have a kid right? So Abraham gets Hagar his slave preggie, and that's where El Roi comes in. When Hagar runs away, she is approached by the angel of the Lord and is asked what she is doing, and she answers him and says I'm running away, and he consols her and she replies to him by calling him lord, and in the Hebrew bible, it says she replies by calling him El Roi, God Who Sees Me. So this entire chapter talks about how God is one who sees everything going on in our lives. And then it hits me. HES WATCHING ME NOW. CRAAAAAAAZY. Seriously, I always knew the "god with us" deal about how we're never alone, but I never actually thought about him WACTHING me, not just WITH me. God doesn't just go through my pain with me, but he sees it, and he understands it. Do you get it? Just because we turn our backs on God doesn't mean he stops watching us! He is with us always, when we're happy, hurt, angry, smoking crack or having choir practice. God sees us. There's a bible verse somewhere that says that his eyes are always above us, hovering over the land (or something to that affect) but that's not just one of his characteristics. According to Hagar that's WHO HE IS! Amazing. So in my utter angst and frustration with my inability to connect with these people, my inability to deal with what has happened to me in the past, my inability to deal with the future as I do or do not know it, God is seeing me. Not just looking at me, but he sees me.
And then it hits me. We are never alone. We are never hidden. There is ALWAYS going to be someone who says "You know what, not only do I hear your pain and understand your pain, but I am watching you go through your pain, and I am watching you deal with your pain, and if you trust me, I will watch you CONQUER your pain."