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A small post

Posted on 2007.09.30 at 21:29
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Real World- Matchbox 20

More than anything else, I want to to be summer again.  And I want to be back in Bradenton.  Sometimes I listen to "Real World" by Matchbox 20 and try as hard as I can to imagine I'm at Smitty's, with Brody and Brent and Boots.  I want to be cold, I was to smell smoke, I want to hear pool balls cracking, I want to hear Brody and Brent laughing and making fun of Boots or I.  More than anything else, I want to be there.  Please let me be there.


It was my Summer of '69.  Take me there.


One night and one more time

Posted on 2007.09.28 at 20:31
Current Location: Jacksonville, FL
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Let Her Cry- Hootie and the Blowfish
I.
Hate.
Jacksonville.


I've officially said it.  I'm losing my mind, and the only thing that seems to ever help is being kept from me.  I miss being in Bradenton, I miss what Jacksonville used to be to me.  I miss what I had.  

What's changed so much?
I am always alone.  The friends that I had, Heather, Aj, Kyle, Nate, Steve, Andy, Jenn, Brian, they are all gone.  I could handle losing everyone else if I had someone at home, but losing Heather has killed me.  Nights like tonight, a Friday night, I am at home alone.  If Heather were here, we would have gone out to eat, or we would have gone to see a movie.   Or we would have at least rented a movie, or watched something on tv.  But no longer do I have that companionship....I have nothing.  I have three roommates who are gone three weekends out of the month, and I have three dogs that are my responsibility to take care of over the weekend.  I don't normally mind being home alone, but after a few hours, it can get under my skin, and all I do is cry.  

I want to go home.


Back home, I have my parents.  I have become so close with my parents, and I hate to be away from them.  I have a new ferver to be close to them, because I am petrified that something is going to happen to me, or them, and it will take 4 hysterical hours before we can be together.  I don't want what happened to Heather to happen to me.  I don't want to die alone.  I want to be strong, to realize what an accident is was for her to die, but I am scared senseless, because I feel like being here is going to do something to me and all I am going to have is years of regret of being away from the only people who mean anything to me.

I miss Ryan....I miss him so much.  While I have been gone, Ryan has turned into a young man, and my best friend.   I. MISS. him.  By the time I get back to Bradenton, I will have about eight months with him and than he will leave for college...for four years.  I will be 26 before I could ever be in the same city as him, he will be 21....I don't want to be away from him for that long.  I want to be in his life....

Amy and Barry.....what do I do about them?  They will be 30 before I come home.....THIRTY!  It is a wonder that I haven't missed the birth of my first neice or nephew, or Barry falling in love.  I'm thankful I haven't missed these things yet, but I still wish I wasn't away at all.


Brody.  My dear, sweet, Brody.  God I miss him.  I am desperately in love.....something that has given me a new outlook on life.  I'm so thankful I have him, because he keeps me company on the weekends by talking to me on the phone whenever he can.  It's not what I'd like right now, but I am so grateful at least for an oppertunity to talk to him.  God I love him.  I honestly believe that I have found the one....my one.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think that I am going to.  I am so proud of him.



This semester has not been too horrible.  It's a god thing that I have been going home as often as I have....it keeps me sane.  Being alone for 4 days at a time is tiring, I love the company of being surrounded by people who love me, not just people who work with me.  I want to get back to where I came from, I have had my journey where I spread my wings, but I want to get back to where I was.  I miss it.  I want to get back to it.  I can't wait to get back to it.

September 17,2006

Posted on 2006.09.17 at 16:27
Current Location: My home
Current Mood: bitter
Current Music: talking to rae on the phone
Today is September 17, 2006. It was one year ago today that I broke up with Dan.


Let's take a look at how life has changed since then.


1. I've had 2 jobs since then. Pier 1 sucked, I love working at Camilles.

2. I've had a few "love interests" and 1 love, all of which have ended badly for me. Why? I don't know, but my heart is bruised and untrusting. Odd, this time last year I was in a relationship that I was on top of and unhappy in, and now I can't seem to get ahead even a little. Thank you Shane for cheating on me, just when I thought dating could be everything I ever hoped for, you slept with a 17 year old. Not that I'm bitter, but you are a spineless sack of shit.

3. I've made tons of new friends, making me love Jacksonville. I love them more than anything, and they have helped my immeasurably in dealing with both Shane a month ago and the next item in how my life is.  My third roommate Rachael is easily my best friend in Jacksonville, and i am so incredible grateful for her.

4. My roommate is dead. This time last year, I hung out with Heather and Jenn, and we talked and they were helping me through my time with Dan. Now Heather is dead, and our house will never stop being empty, regardless of how many people are in it. 

5.

Posted on 2006.03.14 at 17:36
Current Music: Walk Through the Fire- Buffy Musical!
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie


Home in less than a week!!! I took Heather to Pleasure Island- it was AMAZING!

Posted on 2006.03.07 at 19:49
Current Music: TV
I've begun reading a book, it's actually an Autobiography called "Smashed" by Koren Zailckas. It's about her growing up and her alcohol abuse. It's pretty amazing. I just have some quotes that hit me kind of hard that I thought I would share.



"More than that, they seem to understand who they are and who they're supposed to be. The only commandment that boys seem to live by is "Thou shalt be strong to the point of being cocky.....And while I don't think I'd be any good at being a boy, given the fact that I am constantly afraid, constantly crying, and characteristically weak, I envy the face that boyhood's rules are consistent. Being male is not a mess of contradictions, the way being female is. It is not trying to resolve how to be both desirable and smart, soft and sturdy, emotional and capable."


"In a way, I have been waiting for something sacred to present itself. I've been expecting sopme sign to come like a lightning clap and tell me I can stop hating myself because this ackward period is finally over."



Interesting how much her reflections as a 14 year old coincide with life now. Amy lost her baby. I don't know how to act about the entire situation. I have always been a mature person for my age, but for the first time in my life, I wish I was older. I wish I was older, so that I wouldn't say something stupid. I wish I was older so that I knew what to feel. Home in a week and a half.


Posted on 2006.02.27 at 12:38
My little brother is being suspended from school because of Mirandella.



Nobody needs to remind me how much I ^&(*$%@*(^@ hate mirandella.

i will not swear. i will not curse. i will not drive to manatee high school right now and shove my boot up his....i will not. i will not i will not i will not.



I have half a mind to have my parents send Ryan to me, and he can just go to school here in Jacksonville. Why do I think I can handle him so much better than they can? Why do I feel like they are failing him when I could really help him?


HFOIUEFEICMIWOENCOUWEHFLWEI BWIVUERWLICV UET BWIUY UIVWHKLS

Friday night and El Roi

Posted on 2006.02.13 at 16:04
Current Mood: touchedtouched
Current Music: clicks

So, I'm kind of back tracking abit in my postings.  I wrote about Saturaday and Sunday yesterday and today will be about Friday.  Once again I'm in the library and everyone is click click clicking away.  So distracting, but what can I do?  But anyways, Friday was intense....


We have been reading Wild at Heart and Captivating in our action group, which we have so far really enjoyed.  This weeks chapter however has been really rough.  When reading it, no one really anticipated it to be a bad chapter, I mean it was sad, but it wasn't going to be too terrible to talk about.  But THEN, we got into the discussion, and it allll just went way down hill.  The discussions we had were....hard.  It was only Andy, Liz, Kristen Stephen and I, so they were all really personal.  The actual content of the chapter was OK for discussing, but when brought into our actual lives, we all got really cranky.  All in all, it was one of those conversations that no body WANTS to have, but you really NEED to have.  It was pretty long too, with us all bearing our feelings and getting snippy with each other.  It stunk.  It was such a conflict to how HG had been.   That had been good.  Now we were all marginally depressed and full of anger for society.  No fun.

So once it was over, I decided that I wanted to go.  Everyone felt like their heads were going to explode, and none of us were happy.  I really feel like we made some "good" progress, but it was SOOO hard!  It just solidified the fact that we as girls will never understand boys, and they will never ever ever ever ever understand or even think that they understand us.  So, I began getting ready to go when dear sweet Liz asked me for a ride.  Now, I know that Liz was upset because she ALWAYS stays for a long time after our action group is over, so it was pretty plain that she wanted to go.  So, Liz asked me to take her home so I did, and in the car we really said some things that we felt we couldn't say in our action group.  It was nice but kind of sad at the same time, because as an AG we are supposed to be able to communicate, but there were some things we  just couldn't say.  Most of them dwelled on our own personal experiences and things of the like, but it was really nice to have some company on the read home since I was NOT looking forward to making the drive alone.  Our conversation itself had singled us out enough.  I really enjoyed it.

 

This is where I get to the point

Once I got home, I just didn't want to do anything.  I felt like c-r-a-p.  Ca-rap.  It just sucked.  So I found the devotional that I have been putting off ready after one chapter, and decided to look into it. The devotional itself is called Praying the Names of God, and it has a historical explanation of the different ways god is referred to in the hebrew bible, and teaches us how to pray to him.  So, I settled on "El Roi"  (pronounced El Raw-ee, not el roy like I thought  lol)  El Roi is only mentioned in the bible ummmm once.  That's it.  So, we all know about Abraham and Sarah wanting to have a kid right? So Abraham gets Hagar his slave preggie, and that's where El Roi comes in.  When Hagar runs away, she is approached by the angel of the Lord and is asked what she is doing, and she answers him and says I'm running away, and he consols her and she replies to him by calling him lord, and in the Hebrew bible, it says she replies by calling him El Roi, God Who Sees Me.  So this entire chapter talks about how God is one who sees everything going on in our lives.  And then it hits me.  HES WATCHING ME NOW.  CRAAAAAAAZY.  Seriously, I always knew the "god with us" deal about how we're never alone, but I never actually thought about him WACTHING me, not just WITH me.  God doesn't just go through my pain with me, but he sees it, and he understands it.  Do you get it?  Just because we turn our backs on God doesn't mean he stops watching us!  He is with us always, when we're happy, hurt, angry, smoking crack or having choir practice.  God sees us.  There's a bible verse somewhere that says that his eyes are always above us, hovering over the land (or something to that affect) but that's not just one of his characteristics.  According to Hagar that's WHO HE IS! Amazing.  So in my utter angst and frustration with my inability to connect with these people, my inability to deal with what has happened to me in the past, my inability to deal with the future as I do or do not know it, God is seeing me.  Not just looking at me, but he sees me. 

 

 

And then it hits me.  We are never alone.  We are never hidden.  There is ALWAYS going to be someone who says "You know what, not only do I hear your pain and understand your pain, but I am watching you go through your pain, and I am watching you deal with your pain, and if you trust me, I will watch you CONQUER your pain."

 

God almighty.


Saturday and Sunday

Posted on 2006.02.12 at 17:59
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: me
Oh Sunday.


I had so much fun last night. I totally thought I was going to have no plans at all. Like none. And than BAM, 745, Brian calls me to go get Sushi, so I talked him into a movie also, and it was soooo much fun. I haven't laughed that hard in Jacksonville in a LONG time. The sushi itself was.....weird. Like woah weird. Like it was taking a small bit of every thing in ONE bite. It was alot to take in. BUT i learned how to use chop sticks, so go me.

But Annapolis was a pretty stinkin good movie. I really enjoyed it. The first bit of it was pretty cheesy. To quote Brian "yeah, the first part was pretty hokey. I kept wondering when the gay sex was going to come into play, like what is this!? Brokeback Boxing?" hahahah. Ah ha. silly brian. i really like him. but i got sick, and was in the bathroom for the big fight scene. I know right? Stupid. Bad sushi, BAD. That's what I get for eating at a place called CRAAAAAAAAZY SUSHI! Dumb me.


Worship today was beautiful. It's getting harder and harder to get up for church, so I need to work on getting more sleep. But I guess I didn't get to bed until after 2 last night. Crazy college kids. I really enjoy JCL. The people there are so nice and loving, it really is something I look forward to everyweek. I wish I could make it to the Bible Studies during the week. I wish I hadn't taken a Wednesday night class. It stinks that we weren't given any notice ahead of time, but what can I do? Now I know better.

The house is coming along really well. I am so excited about it! I have talked to Rachael and Heather (I just totally blanked on her name! I actually said out loud "holy cow who do i live with?!" what a loser) about this, and I think I am going to talk to Andy about Homegroup. It seems we don't have a place for homegroup next year, so I think I am going to offer to have it at the house. I would LOVE to have company over every week, and would love to make dinner. I feel as if im not helping at all with church and homegroup now adays. Everything is so taken care of, no one seems to need much help, and I wish I can do more. I have to remind myself about what I learned from Chip Taylor at SYC. Before Goliath, David was a sandwich boy. I keep wanting to take on the giant when I haven't even made the sandwich, I just need patience. I feel such a fire to help people but feel that since I am kind of an "outsider" with JCL that I can't help. Blah. I can't believe how much I have changed. I love the people at JCL so much, and all I seem to do is clam up. I wish they could see who I was in high school. I used to be so much more fun, so much more outgoing. I don't know what happened. I just wish that I could be more like who I used to. I'm not even sure who "I" am now.


Heather and I are going to go see Brokeback Mountain (the real one), so I need to head off. Download "You said" by Shane&Shane and "Grace like Rain" by Todd Agnew.



-B

Posted on 2006.02.08 at 21:09
Current Music: commercials
Goodness me, sorry about that!

As I was saying, my super awesome roomy to be Rachael called me and left a message (after I had left a message saying where I was) and as soon as I got it she had walked up to me right as I was writing that last sentence of my post! How crazy! So that's why I cut it so short, because we were going to Sbarros to get some nummies before astronomy.

But as I was saying before I got Rachael's message, I read a bible passage in Romans that totally revolutionized my perception of life. Romans 2:13... For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous.


I read that, and I just kind of stopped. I have been going about my religion all wrong. I m ean, I hear, and I obey, but I never really thought about this. I don't know how to explain it but I feel so much closer to god having read this. I really can't explain it, it just really touched me. but i have to do some homework, i just didn't want to leave you guys hanging.

Click click click

Posted on 2006.02.08 at 15:48
Goodness gracious.

I am in the library on campus and WHO KNEW this was such a hoppin place? I practically had to gouge a girls eyeballs out for this computer. Not really, but I DID have to walk all the way to the back corner to the only empty computer, which I think is a close comparison. The keyboard is WHACK, the space bar is um about the 2 inches tall, which is really throwing me off. This place is noisy for a library, but what can we expect with about 75 computers and everyone click clicking away.

So, I just took my first math exam, which I think I did really well on. I caught alot of my errors that I would have left on the test which is why I have a C in a math for dummies class. Unbelievable. This woman is a nutjob! I didn't source my map, so I got a 70. I wrote on the back of a sheet of paper, so I got a 70. That was all I got points taken off for. Un. Believable.


(gasp) shut up! yeah? (gasp) nu uh! (gasp) oh im going to throw up. I kid you not, this is the verbatum conversation on the computer across from me.


anyways. So, needless to say, I find it hard to not sit in the back of my math class and GLARE at my math teacher throughout the entire lesson. Oh well. I think I did really well on the exam. I'm hoping.


So, last night I was reading the bible, which I will be the first to admit I haven't done in a LONG time. So, I couldn't decide what I wanted to read (I play bible roulette) So I decided to read something that I know was going to motivate me to keep reading, so I started on my favorite book again- Romans. So I am reading and I read one verse that hit me like a brick.


BAH! Rachael my super amazing new roomy just called BYE


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