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One night and one more time

Posted on 2007.09.28 at 20:31
Current Location: Jacksonville, FL
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Let Her Cry- Hootie and the Blowfish

I've officially said it.  I'm losing my mind, and the only thing that seems to ever help is being kept from me.  I miss being in Bradenton, I miss what Jacksonville used to be to me.  I miss what I had.  

What's changed so much?
I am always alone.  The friends that I had, Heather, Aj, Kyle, Nate, Steve, Andy, Jenn, Brian, they are all gone.  I could handle losing everyone else if I had someone at home, but losing Heather has killed me.  Nights like tonight, a Friday night, I am at home alone.  If Heather were here, we would have gone out to eat, or we would have gone to see a movie.   Or we would have at least rented a movie, or watched something on tv.  But no longer do I have that companionship....I have nothing.  I have three roommates who are gone three weekends out of the month, and I have three dogs that are my responsibility to take care of over the weekend.  I don't normally mind being home alone, but after a few hours, it can get under my skin, and all I do is cry.  

I want to go home.

Back home, I have my parents.  I have become so close with my parents, and I hate to be away from them.  I have a new ferver to be close to them, because I am petrified that something is going to happen to me, or them, and it will take 4 hysterical hours before we can be together.  I don't want what happened to Heather to happen to me.  I don't want to die alone.  I want to be strong, to realize what an accident is was for her to die, but I am scared senseless, because I feel like being here is going to do something to me and all I am going to have is years of regret of being away from the only people who mean anything to me.

I miss Ryan....I miss him so much.  While I have been gone, Ryan has turned into a young man, and my best friend.   I. MISS. him.  By the time I get back to Bradenton, I will have about eight months with him and than he will leave for college...for four years.  I will be 26 before I could ever be in the same city as him, he will be 21....I don't want to be away from him for that long.  I want to be in his life....

Amy and Barry.....what do I do about them?  They will be 30 before I come home.....THIRTY!  It is a wonder that I haven't missed the birth of my first neice or nephew, or Barry falling in love.  I'm thankful I haven't missed these things yet, but I still wish I wasn't away at all.

Brody.  My dear, sweet, Brody.  God I miss him.  I am desperately in love.....something that has given me a new outlook on life.  I'm so thankful I have him, because he keeps me company on the weekends by talking to me on the phone whenever he can.  It's not what I'd like right now, but I am so grateful at least for an oppertunity to talk to him.  God I love him.  I honestly believe that I have found the one....my one.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think that I am going to.  I am so proud of him.

This semester has not been too horrible.  It's a god thing that I have been going home as often as I have....it keeps me sane.  Being alone for 4 days at a time is tiring, I love the company of being surrounded by people who love me, not just people who work with me.  I want to get back to where I came from, I have had my journey where I spread my wings, but I want to get back to where I was.  I miss it.  I want to get back to it.  I can't wait to get back to it.

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